Tastee Bros.

Scott performs with Maynard Ferguson Donny at a gig
Scott Englebright Donny Dyess


  1. Use air not chops.
  2. Higher IS Better.
  3. More compression=faster air.
  4. Faster air=higher. More air=louder.
  5. Practice often, not long.
  6. Long-tones do more harm than good.
  7. Faster air=less pressure needed.
  8. Don"Jake"Jacoby
  9. Bobby Shew
  10. Keep corners tight. Keep everything else relaxed.
  11. Faster IS better.
  12. If you aren't going to play with intensity, don't play.
  13. If you think it's hard, it will be.
  14. Whatever you practice, just try to relax and play some music.
  15. Have fun. Practice something new everyday.
  16. Play on the smallest mouthpiece you can find. It is a lot easier to play da dubba c on a small mouthpiece and it's easier to play a singa c than a dubba c. The 'Tastee bros' recommend playing on drilled Bach 3c's.
  17. Don't shake the melons. They will go bad.
  18. Chicks dig high notes, just no chicks in Denton.
  19. Don't close your throat and pinch. You will pass out and people will point and laugh at you.
  20. Use as much pressure as possible.
  21. Play on the flattest rim you can find to allow for the use of the maximal amount of pressure possible.
  22. Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.
  23. Don't talk to legit players.
  24. Play as loud as humanly possible always.
  25. Aspire to be one of the Tasteebros.
  26. 99.9% of the world's population knows very little about music. Just have fun. Who cares?
  27. When talking to chicks, never look down at the ground, and don't call them fat.
  28. If you want to be a professional musician and nothing else, shoot yourself. You will be glad you did.
  29. Kiss as much ass as possible.
  30. If you want a big sound, drill out your mouthpiece or play on a big horn.
  31. Make it as easy as possible. There are no cheater mouthpieces.
  32. If you can't get a credit card, steal someone else's.
  33. Buy vitamins through the mail.
  34. Get to the point where you don't have to practice. This leaves a lot more time for eating or wasting time.
  35. Never say never, unless you give up.
  36. When in doubt, rest.
  37. Your chops are not unlike other muscles in your body. Too much playing is bad and rest is always needed after over-exertion.
  38. It's not what you practice, it's how you practice.
  39. Viva gorditas.
  40. Jealousy is the root of all evil (after heroin and the Teletubbies).
  41. Just because we say it is true, it is.
  42. If you think you are better that we are, you are probably right.
  43. If you fly to the moon on a water heater, chances are you ain't comin' back.
  44. If you want to make money playing, play cards.
  45. If you have personal questions for us, we haven't the time.
  46. Buy our cd!!
  47. Never mix beer and alcohol unless you are a pro.
  48. If you pick a fight with a bigger guy, make damn sure you can out run him.
  49. It's only illegal if you get caught.
  50. Tell chicks you know how to finger and tongue.
  51. When in doubt, put a shake on it.
  52. Blame a stuck valve. It works every time.
  53. Monettes are for fags.
  54. Maynard didn't use heavy valve caps or heavy mouthpieces.
  55. If you don't believe us, we don't care.
  56. If we choose our own destiny, do some people want to die by lightening?
  57. Where do all the missing pens go?
  58. If you think you can play higher on a shallower mouthpiece, you are right.
  59. If you practice a lot and don't get any better, QUIT!
  60. If you major in music and don't want to teach, make sure you don't suck.
  61. If you fold, chances are no one will know unless you look like you folded.
  62. If you aren't cute, you have to be good.
  63. How much wood can a wood chuck chuck?
  64. Never warm up on stage. There is nothing more uncool.
  65. Never warm down. It is a sign that you are weak and people will prey upon you.
  66. If you don't read well, tell people you just had brain surgery.
  67. Sit-ups work the muscles you need to play with compression. They make things easier.
  68. Chicks want to get laid, too.
  69. If you buy something to use for a day, make sure there is no restocking fee.
  70. Y2K?? Because people are stupid and gullible.
  71. Do fish get thirsty?
  72. The meaning of life is procreation.
  73. Yellow and blue make green.
  74. If you don't clean out your horn, we don't either.
  75. Don't forget to brush your teeth. Toothpaste is sandpaper and eats away enamel. Use water only.
  76. Learn how to be a prick. There is always someone out there trying to screw you over.
  77. Major in computer science.
  78. Eventually, there will be no need for musicians, just software. Deal with it.
  79. The world needs cashiers, too.
  80. Disneyland is a tourist trap.
  81. What is up with all the stupid-ass pigeons?!? Will someone please kill all of them?! Kill the cats and the homeless, too.
  82. Has anyone ever bought a trumpet in the key of G? If so, I wouldn't tell too many people. You might get your ass kicked.
  83. The Tasteebros play one the smallest mouthpieces made (Shew 1 and 6a4a) and we care. We play higher than you.
  84. There are no jazz gigs.  You can't live off of $50 a week anyway.
  85. If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands.
  86. It make me no neva mind.
  87. Practice until you can't make a sound.
  88. If you ARE good enough to get a respectable gig, there are 20 people better than you up for the gig.
  89. If you teach, no one will respect you.
  90. If you make it, they will come.
  91. The bigger your breaths, the more fun playing will be.
  92. The bigger your breasts, the more fun playing will be.
  93. If you think the Tasteebros are sexist pigs, you aren't too far from home.
  94. We could have chicks, but they wouldn't respect us in the morning. We get chicks, just really dumb chicks and dumb chicks are really annoying.
  95. Life would be much more fun without morals or ethics.
  96. The Tasteebros are right brained.
  97. Be very jealous and afraid of us.
  98. Each subsequent cd gets higher and higher.
  99. Chicks dig trumpet players...Its a fact!
  100. I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
  101. If you push your slide in all the way, you are automatically playing higher. You see...it isn't that difficult!
  102. Blow ye winds, Like the trumpet blows; But without that noise.
  103. What is a 'wooden nickel' and why can't I take any?!?
  104. Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess was why several of us died of tuberculosis. Who's laughing now???
  105. Learn how to play with 'no pressure' to amaze your friends.
  106. A few years ago, we used to make fun of our friend Kevin whenever he had to go to his trumpet lesson. But look where he is now and look where we are. Actually, we don't know where he is now. But look where we are, that's my point....exactly. So are we.
  107. Don't be afraid to make a mistake. Just know that if you make too many mistakes or make a mistake in front of the 'wrong' person, you will never get a gig and will spend your remaining money on 'crack' and will eventually develop an acute bout of mental depression that will drive you to suicide or, if you are lucky, you will fall victim to cardiac arrest, seizures, and respiratory arrest before addiction sets in. But, it's ok to make a mistake.
  108. I sure hope there are little extraterrestrial martian people living out there somewhere. Maybe then we will get laid.
  109. The Tasteebros play in the 20,000Hz range. Everyone else:165-932Hz. Bats dig what we're doing. You know what I'm sayin'?? Bats!
  110. If you want to be like the Tasteebros, buy a Rolex, a big T.V., cable modem, and anything else you don't need. We may not have any money, but we have a bunch of cool stuff.
  111. Accept it....you will never be a Tasteebro. Figure out how to play so you don't have to practice and you will be on the right track.
  112. Lead players get more gigs regardless of how innovative, creative, and hip jazz players play jazz.
  113. If a bird in hand is better than 2 in the bush, why do birds fly? huh?? Answer me that one!
  114. If you get nervous, try getting less sleep. You are likely to be too tired to care.
  115. What is a spleen?
  116. If people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, then..wait....who has ever even seen a glass house?! Is this some type of new, voyeuristic exhibitionism that the Tasteebros haven't tried yet? Who comes up with this crap?!
  117. If you want to impress your friends, slip 'dideoxyribonucleotide' into any conversation.
  118. After a long gig, the Tasteebros need their N-acetyl-para-aminophenol, phenolethylamine and acetylsalicylic acid.
  119. For christ sake, if you have a nicotine craving, make it count. Chew on the patch, or pop the whole pack of gum.
  120. If you pull a muscle trying to play da dubba c, you got a bunch more.
  121. If you see the sparks after playing a high note, make-believe it's new years and have a drink.
  122. When you go out to get hammered, do not...DO NOT order a chick drink. If it's pink, yellow, blue, green, is topped with cream and a cherry, has an umbrella, a piece of bamboo, is in a plastic coconut, a red plastic shoe, has slices of fruit attached, has a big curly straw, or is on fire, act like it was delivered by mistake and make sure everyone hears you yell at the waiter. Keep your dignity for when you get drunk and fall on your face.
  123. If you are gettin' your groove on wit some honey, be reasonable certain that she doesn't have any diseases. If she looks clean she is probably ok. Go ahead and smack that ass.
  124. If you take low-paying gigs, you are setting the standards for everyone else. People will know they can get cheap musicians and the integrity of the art will plummet....wait....we took care of that one....anyway, eat your peas.
  125. If you are lame enough to copy our tips, put them on your own page, and declare them as your own like several people have done, you are the lowest form of life on the face of the earth after postal workers.
  126. How much wood would a wood-chuck chuck if a wood-chuck had no head?
  127. The Tasteebros, in accordance with strict government regulations, never speed. We do make our own fireworks, though.
  128. Hey, we didn't force you to take that job pumping gas! Don't give us attitude! It's called ambition..look it up. It isn't our fault you made poor choices in life. You see, while you where sniffing glue, watching T.V., drinking with your friends, trying to buy cigarettes, and perfecting the art of shoplifting to impress your peers, we were in school.
  129. We are convinced that regardless of education, morals/ethics, awards, popularity, credentials, wealth, etc... chicks are all crazy, fat and lazy. I wish I could claim the invention of PMS.
  130. What ever happened to Tab and Boy George? Life just isn't the same.
  131. If you can't be big, don't belittle. Wait...isn't that a contradiction?
  132. If you wan't to play higher, stand on a chair. See, we told you it was easier than you think.
  133. If you think you are cool because you can play high on a big mouthpiece, who cares? Either you are working WAY too hard, have a crappy sound, or you are readjusting your chops. Smaller=easier. You don't wash your car with a toothbrush, plant a tree using a spoon, or travel across country on a skateboard. You aren't impressing us, you are stupid.
  134. We know things that no one can possible comprehend.
  135. Are we the only one's that hate the sun? Is that thing useless or what!? The only thing it does is get in my face and stuff.
  136. Chicks are still just intimidated by our great looks. If you want to be with us, take a number.
  137. If you are going to fold, you might as well make it loud. If you get the note you want, no one will hear it anyway. If someone laughs at you, be sure you have at least 5 or 6 really dark things to say that would make them wish they had never gotten out of bed.
  138. The Tasteebros turn down a lot of gigs. We do have high standards. If we start working for peanuts, we will just be another face in the crowd. We don't think so....
  139. If you fold on a solo in front of a bunch of people, fake a seizure.
  140. Britney Spears will write us back. I'm sure of it. She just hasn't checked her mail yet. She has been forgiven for not sending us free tickets as requested. Hey, everyone makes mistakes.
  141. If you want to be remembered, climb a clock tower and start shooting.
  142. Once upon a time, stop writing us saying how high you can play. Unless you can top C4, save it.
  143. Men's lungs hold 6.44 liters. Women's lungs hold 4.16 liters. See, it isn't your fault you suck. Instead of blaming us for not giving you the 'chance', blame biology. Stop crying about this equality women's liberation crap. Get a lung transplant and we will talk.... Women can't play as high, can't play as well, can't run as fast, can't____as well as men. It's God's fault, get over it.
  144. If the centripetal rotation of the earth was to cause the multi-directional, convoluted path taken by various satellites circumnavigating the planet to fall victim to the pull of gravity(9.83 m/s/s), would I still get the playboy station? I hope so.
  145. It Is 'I couldn't care less.' not 'I could care less.'. stupid people use the second one. The Tasteebros do not associate with these people. The first one makes sense.
  146. The Tasteebros might have schizophrenia.
  147. If you aren't going to buy our cd, at least have the common courtesy and decency to sign the guest book. It doesn't cost anything and you have already used a goodly number of minutes reading. That's right, I used the word goodly.
  148. We just want you to be impressed with how many of these things we have. We figured we would slip an empty tip in for good measure. It's nothing personal, we just have a quota to meet.
  149. Naive people cry when people take advantage of them. Life is much easier when you are a prick. Our middle name is skepticism (unless people are trying to sell us expensive stuff for cheap). People don't take advantage of us unless we want the cab driver to take off with our bags before we get in.
  150. Remember, most people don't have the authority to wipe their ass. Don't accept 'no' from someone who can't say 'yes'. Everyone wants to be king. Most of the time these goons can be out-witted before they say anything. Ask to speak to their boss. It works every time.
  151. People are sympathetic toward dumb people. It takes a smart person to act stupid. Do you get what we are saying??? It's easy to get away with stuff. Then again, if you are dumb, you have it coming.
  152. If you are dumb enough to steal, steal us something! We love obtaining things illegally!! One time we got a hold of this little monkey from Mexico.
  153. The guy who invented plastic is probably not hurting for money.
  154. If there is a sucker born ever minute, why haven't we sold a lot more cds?
  155. If sticks and stones may break your bones, I'm thinking you might have osteoporosis or maybe a congenital, degenerative defect.
  156. If the speed of sound is 332 m/s, is equal to the frequency divided by the period and if the period is constant, we play faster than you do, too. Like not really, but if you don't know anything about physics, we win. You see, the speed of sound would be a constant, not the period. Wait...if the frequency goes up, so does the pitch and if the loudness is increased, the pitch decreases. So, if the period is the same for two distinct sounds and if the pitch goes up and, subsequently, the frequency is increased and we play loudly, do I still have to go to work?
  157. Arturo uses 2....what they be called.....embouchures. We have videos. Don't write us saying we are wrong. Again, we have videos. Unless it was some guy wearing an Arturo mask, Arturo tucks his bottom lip in.
  158. If there is safety in numbers, why did I fail Algebra?
  159. If elephants are so smart, why do they work at the circus? And why do they smell so bad?
  160. If it takes 'one' to know 'one', we must know a LOT of really smart people.
  161. Help the Tasteebros stamp out osmosis. Buy our CD.
  162. If Air has Oxygen and Hydrogen, why don't we drown when we breathe?
  163. Why is it that when the Tasteebros go to Italy, we are treated like crap? Those damn foreigners....So we learned a few words that no one likes...that's no reason to yell at us. Be happy we are telling you to *#&$ off in your language.
  164. Littering=job security. Oh, if you stare at someone's ear while they talk to you, it drives them crazy. Also, if someone is giving you a hard time, look at them and say 'I did mine, too.' and stare at the nearest corner. Chances are they will leave you alone.
  165. If roaches have made it this far and are in no way, shape, or form beneficial to anyone, the Tasteebros will be around for a long time.
  166. If the Tasteebros don't find you attractive, there is always facial reconstruction. Keep sending in your photos and we will let you know.
  167. If the Tasteebros were reincarnated as animals, we would be a three-toed sloth. oh! or one of those big-ass turtles or a talking bird. That's how cool we are.
  168. Sea horses are not horses. Horses have legs. Someone is real smart (sarcasm). Plus, some horses are a lot bigger.
  169. Also, starfish are not fish. Fish live in water. It isn't easy being this smort.
  170. Life is just miserable failures followed by bad luck, false hopes, empty promises, insurmountable misfortunes and poor choices.
  171. If you like Jerry Springer, wrestling, trailer parks, Nascar, or own more than one washing machine, chances are you are a red-neck, white-trash, cross burning, wife beating, swamp boy. In any case, we don't like you. Leave our page at once (unless you run a Meth lab...then you can stay).
  172. The Tasteebros aren't fat bastards on the moon. We are avid supporters of weightlessness.
  173. If you are thinking about going to UNT to study music, pull your head out of your ass and wake up. The program sucks now and you are likely to leave playing worse than you did when you arrived. Just listen to Mike Bookman!
  174. If we, the Tasteeebros, were to shoot ourselves, we would probably nick our spinal cord just below the neck leaving us partially paralyzed and in constant pain. We would lack the motor skills required to shoot the gun again and would live a miserable life in constant agony. Needless to say, we are among the most unlucky people in the world.
  175. The Tasteebros get musically inspired by the Backstreet Boys.
  176. If you watch Touched by an Angel, Dawson's Creek, any Soap Opera, Oprah, have to color-coordinate, know anything about interior decorating, or you own more that 3 pairs of shoes (including sandals), please leave immediately. You are a chick or you are gay. Well, if you are gay, you can stay. Most gay people are cool when they aren't hitting on us and stuff.
  177. Complementary and complimentary are two different things. While we are at it, what's the difference between effect and affect. If you can explain this one to us, we will give you a free cd.
  178. Don't cry because we can and you can't. Some things weren't meant to be. The sooner you get over this, the sooner you will enjoy what we are doing for the entire music world.
  179. We are convinced that the general public appreciates the sound of a lead trumpet player and not the range. Very few people know the 'range' of a trumpet. But, if you play with balls, people will dig you. Trust us, we have done studies. People tune into the intensity.
  180. One of the Tasteebros actually created a fake e-mail address, sent out a personal ad as an '18 yr old girl looking for fun' and received 32 messages in 4 hours. Then, 'meet me at Chilli's-I45 and I35 on Saturday at midnight.' went out to all. When they got there, they probably all laughed.
  181. If you are taking a trip or are at work, set your chops and leave them set for as long as possible. You will have corners from hell before you know it. They will start to burn and hurt and when you relax they will stay fixed for a minute, but you will notice a difference in a couple of days. Do this as long as possible...we're talking 1-2 hours at a time.
  182. Guys don't choose, chicks do. But, know that getting sex is nothing more than a numbers game. If you ask everyone girl you meet if they want to have sex, 1 out of 15 will say yes. Now, you will get slapped a bunch and get yelled at a lot, but isn't it worth it?!?! Hell yeah....
  183. If you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide. Get away as fast as possible.
  184. Why isn't phonetic spelled phonetically?
  185. I bet if bees knew they would die if the stung you, the would think twice about it.
  186. The Tasteebros are buoyant. We've got some serious displacement goin' on. Sure you're right, yo.
  187. Very few people get gigs from an audition. If you don't know 'people', quit and become a trash collector or a politician or some other meaningless, menial, miniscule task.
  188. If money can't buy happiness, than why are rich people happy? Stop trying to make us feel better.
  189. Will we ever get in trouble for throwing M&Ms, batteries, pennies, gum wrappers, trash, pen caps, pretzels, bottle tops, and ice cubes in the Toll Booth funnel?
  190. If you listen to rap, you are doing society a great injustice. Don't listen to the crap those idiots sell. Listen to the crap that we sell instead.
  191. Why do they make cars that go twice the legal speed limit?
  192. If life is what you make of it, I want to make my life an ice cream.
  193. If flash cubes are bad for bears, why do they eat them? Hey, they should pay the consequences. There's a reason I don't eat strychnine or Gummy Worms.
  194. If you are what you eat, I know I don't be eating 6 foot guys. Someone needs to go back to the proverbial 'drawing board' on that one. Is it just us, or is there a flaw in everything everyone says or does??
  195. The Tasteebros know that the Tooth Fairy exists because she brings us booze.
  196. If you are going to drive and talk on the phone at the same time, don't talk on the phone. Oh, and what is up with these gimps that wear their phones on that little, gay plastic thing on their belt?!? If you want to look like a lame, pathetic, queer loser, all you have to do is go see a play.
  197. If you aren't good by other's standards, you won't get gigs. Having an ego means you probably won't be playing much. No one cares what you think about the way that you play.
  198. If you want to make a lot of money, learn how to run really fast and nothing else and be an athlete. Most of these guys are in the transition zone between being heavily retarded and dead. Hearing them talk is counter-intuitive. Here's a secret....it's all staged for $ and ratings.
  199. Yes, the Tasteebros are insane in the brain....insane in the membrane.
  200. If you are going to do one thing to help your playing, take up jogging. Playing will be a lot easier.
  201. The Tasteebros solicit door-to-door.
  202. The Tasteebros did a McDonald's commercial in Harmon mutes. Have you heard it?
203. The key to overcoming the darkness of the world is opening the curtains or turning on the light or moving as fast as the sun moves around the Earth or Earth around the sun or whatever.... 
204. If you want to play higher, try blowing up a thick balloon several times a day.  We don't know if this will help, but it seems like it will strengthen the muscles needed to play with the highest compression. If it's too tight and too big, you might pop your lungs and die.  Have fun!!
205. Hard things are put in our way not to stop us, but to annoy the hell out of us and to make us give up until someone else takes care of the situation.  This is where girls come in.
206. Tenderness and kindness are not signs of weakness and despair, they are signs that you are a chick and that you like kitties, pink, and shoes.  
207. People are like candles.
208. Don't just give up when the bad times arise, just get mad and yell at someone.  Then give up.
209. Not all of us will do great things in life. Some of us will be fat and lazy, sit around all day watching TV, eating ice cream, downloading cracked programs,  sifting through what remains of Napster, taking naps, reading comic books, and will go outside only to take my....the dog out.  
210. Destiny makes the strongest man weak...especially with those fake cans and those 6'' heels.   
211. The way you see things always depends on how you look at them...unless you are blind.  Then you see shades of light or dark, nonspecific images instead of recognizable objects that normal people see. 
212. Time heals everything except a brain tumor. Time just makes that thing get bigger and bigger until the increase in cranial pressure results in headaches, vomiting, seizures, lethargy, drowsiness, personality changes, disordered conduct, optic chasm compression, speech disturbances, paralysis, or coma.  Go Lakers!!
213. For every ailment, there is a stronger narcotic.
214. The Tasteebros are accidents of nature.  Everyone else is insignificant.  Hey, go practice like we never did and stop blaming everyone else because you are lazy!
215. A smile is the mask of pain.  It is also bait for the naive.  Oh, we also like Disney movies. 
216. When you have the urge to follow your heart's desire,  don't sell high notes on a web page.  We took care of that one.  Thank you.  Please don't litter.
217. Anything is possible if you have a lot of money or you are really charming. 
218. If you are going to have an expensive or 'different' horn, make sure you don't suffer from mediocrity (i.e. you don't suck).  People will take you a lot less seriously.
219. I can make my eyes fuzzy.
220. Tell girls that you love to listen, love giving massages, enjoy candlelit dinners, and think cats are great until you get what you want.  Then, start over with the next one.
221. In the darkest hours of our lives, we look up porno.  Then, we take a shower and eat breakfast.  Then we sleep until the sun is warm. 
222. Only from da Midda C does the Dubba C seem high.  We won't copyright that or nothing....so you can go ahead and use it as your own.  Just tell your kids about us.
223. As you aspire to inspire, you must perspire by the fire before you retire and expire...like in a tire and green eggs and ham and stuff.
224. Transfer your fear to anger.  You will scare people that way and get free stuff sometimes. 
225. If you listen to your favorite player enough, you will start to sound like them.  Trust us!!  We now have the sound the guy down the street had when he played in the community brass band.
226. Play like no one is listening, and act like no one cares.
227. To see true beauty, you must not be desperate.  The longer it has been, the lower your standards.  
228. Your eyes are the gateway to the anterior lobe of your pituitary gland...like if you go back far enough and stuff.
229. Dreams are goals that probably won't happen. So, keep playing 'pick 6' lottery!!
230. The 'gift' of suffering is a new tolerance for pain.  Wow...sounds like the gift of inebriation i got last New Years...
231. Imagination is the agenda for the unmotivated and the unintelligible.  Lower your expectations and life is much easier. 
232. Don't hide your tears, accept the fact that you are weak.  And who cries over spilt milk? If you cry over milk, what happens when someone punches you in your throat and you can't breathe?
233. If you hold someone in your heart, you have female 'parts' or you have chosen an 'alternate' lifestyle.
234. Always keep your abdominal muscles tight!!  If you don't, pitch, range, and endurance will suffer greatly.
235. Have you ever looked at some people with kids and just wondered...who...why...how......... Can someone come up with an incentive for self-sterilization??! Maybe a mobile home window unit, WWF tickets, free tattoo, a confederate flag, a 'double wide' canopy, Nascar memorabilia, free crank, anything...
236. People see what they want to see.  Stop trying to please everyone and do what you want to do.  You only live once and might as well walk the fine line between having fun and '25 to life'.
237. Admissions of personal powerlessness puts you in a different category than the Tasteebros.  We think we own the world.  Hey, why not? Not only are we not just a face in the crowd, we have bad teeth.  
238. Greed will do strange things to people.  Stop trying to copy our page.  We aren't splitting the atom here.  Stop being uncreative and come up with your own ideas.  If we find 238 on your page, we are going to beat the crap out of you.
239. A lack of enthusiasm is 9/10th of any problem.  If your heart isn't into playing music like our's aren't, you might as well study e-commerce....whatever that is.
240. If you practice when you are mad, you will play higher.   Try getting into a fight before you practice.  We often use standard derogatory remarks.
241. Regret not ordering our stuff until you buy something. Try the 'BIG' box set.
242. The Tasteebros have had dental implants and root canals done. Needless to say, we aren't writing no books on no dental hygiene.
243. Sometimes we wish we were different people who weren't associated with the people with whom we associate and that we were maybe..like..Chinese.
244. Trying keeps the hope alive.  However, simply trying consumes the lives of many. What the hell?!  Why am I writing a greeting card? Wait...this isn't inspirational enough to be a greeting card. Well, it seems the first part is, but the second half reflects an alternate personality.
245. When trying the stuff in our books, remember that the higher the risk, the greater the rewards.  Don't be afraid to get into something new and different. Just don't forget that losing has no pleasure.  Know when to go back!!
246. Reality is for people with no imagination. If you find yourself an uncreative realist, don't play music.  Some people weren't born to be musicians.  We know people who can't carry a pitch to save their lives.
247. Believe us...things can get worse and will....
248. Die trying. If you give up, you lose. If you read our above tip where we said to give up, our bad.  Anyway, if you feel your goal is not ascertainable, it isn't reasonable or important to you.
249. To succeed, you need patience.  Relax, set the horn down for a while, take a week off, etc...  It won't happen overnight...unless you understand our breathing technique.  Then, your range will improve in minutes. Anyway, it may take years and whatever...
250. Don't practice 'like' the Tasteebros, practice as if you were a 'B' like us sitting at home listening to Shaggy, chillin', illin', drinkin' 40s...
251. Dale Earnhart made us better people.  Go # 3!!!..or was it 8...5?  Oh screw it...the dude got paid to make left turns.  Why can't I get paid to eat cheetos?!?  It's the same $%*&ing thing.
252. The Taseebros HATE bugs. If we could eliminate all bugs easily, it would be done.  You don't gotta thank us.  We didn't do it for you.
253. Mary Moo Cow.
254. Look, see, understand, learn, act, talk, moon walk, pontificate...yeah...we took a 'left turn', didn't we?? DIDN'T WE??!?! Who's your Daddy??
255. If you don't care to see our feminine side, please read no farther. 
256. Focus, prevail, never giving up the pursuit, don't worry about the past, be satisfied, and make (don't let) things happen.
257. Remember: Obsessed people are dedicated people.
258. Also, to excel, compete only with yourself, and get what you've never had by doing what you've never done.
259. Hard work beats talent when talent doesn't work hard.  Just because you aren't a Tasteebro now doesn't mean you can't be one in the near future. Hey, if you pass the 'test', you may be on our next CD.
260. Check out our books and don't make the same mistakes we have made!

263. If you have no goals in life, you are probably addicted to heroin.  If you are addicted to heroin, you probably don't care.  See, life is simple!! (Tasteebros and Tasteebros, Inc. do not promote the use of illicit drugs except where noted.)

 264. The Tasteebros are into self-punishment.  We don't cut ourselves or nothing, but we tend to attract and amuse stupid people regularly.

 265. If you buy our books and go through every page, make sure that when you write us asking about something we say, we haven't covered your question on 10 pages. We don't mind answering questions, just not stupid questions. If you don't hear from us within a couple of days,.....

 266. Never do right the first time what you can put off until tomorrow. 

 267. If the word 'quit' isn't in your vocabulary, how are you going to give up?!?  See, we didn't get this smart by not doing things that make our brain bigger. 

 268. The Tasteebros tip generously. We usually wind up paying around 50%.  But, we don't do math good like we do grammar better. So, people like us without us even trying.

 269. No guts, no glory. If you aren't going to try, get the hell out of the way and let us in!  We are dumb enough to try anything and we take chances on an hourly basis.

 270. If you are lazy, you probably won't get much done.  But, if you are lazy with an elevated intellect, you can be as productive as most with little effort.  This place is known as the Tasteebro Safe Haven.  Please take off your shoes before you come in. We just had the carpet cleaned.

 271. Money doesn't equal success unless you sell stuff on a webpage and get money you don't expect and buy things you don't need. 

 272. Do everything to the best of your abilities.  If you aren't very good at anything, then you will never get anywhere and will be forgotten.  You might as well become a bum. 

 273. The Tasteebros believe in survival of the fittest even though we are fat and will probably die real soon. Why you be trippin'?!

 274. If you have an ego, we can guarantee most trumpet players are better than you. Take your horn and beat it into a little ball because you aren't going to get any gigs and people aren't going to like you. 

275. Don't try to be a perfectionist.  Leave the perfection to us.  We hate competition.

 276. If you find yourself thinking 'what if...', you have no guts and, subsequently, have no glory (see the above tip when we talked about thinking or guts or something). If you aren't willing to try, you will wind up in a ditch begging for money to support your crack habit and will eventually become a small time crook until the demon of addiction coerces you into robbing convenient stores, mugging people, and stealing from family members for money to keep you stable.  What we are trying to say is that Jordan should have won on Survivor.

 277. If you are never faced with adversity, you will never play like us. We have had more problems than a quadriplegic in a volcano.

 278. If there is light at the end of the tunnel, you are about to get hit by an F-ing train.  RUN!!!!!

 279. If at first you don't succeed, hell...you didn't need that cheese sauce anyway. 

 280. If you aren't willing to put time into playing, stop making yourself miserable and just simply exist.  The Tasteebros don't just ‘exist’ being the smartest people around, we ‘are’! or is it am...?...

 281. If you meet an insurmountable obstacle, sit down on the ground and start crying.  Crying makes people feel overly sympathetic.  It's sort of like the clown in the blue Ford that doesn't care about all of us behind him who lets the old lady pulling out of Burger King into our lane. Great for you!!! You managed to help a minimally conscious person and pissed off 7 impatient people.  You are a goon blue Ford!!!!

 282. One of the Tasteebros was called 'Ma'am' by the mentally depleted sack guy at the grocery store.  We meant to say 'Plastic, please sir' instead of 'Plastic, you stupid bastard'. Hey, it isn't our fault Thalidomide looks like fruit juice. 

 283. If you believe you can fly, hey, go ahead...survival of the fittest.  We will wind up paying for you to live whether you are in or out of jail.  Save us all money.

 284. The Tasteebros are judgmental.

 285. If you don't make a difference, no one will care.  You will simply be another # occupying space like us.  We are 456-48-2788 and 378-26-9273.

 286. Things aren't going to get easier until you learn some secrets.  Buy our books!!!

 287. If attitude is everything, why can't we sleep in attitude or hold attitude? Huh?? Why can't we use attitude to make our mixed drinks??? See, we aren't as dumb as you think.

 288. OK...Now we have some questions....what the hell does dawnserly mean?! Why can't the Star Spangled Banner be in english?!!

 289. Don't just complain, flail your arms around and yell a lot. People don't handle volatility well.  Keep this in mind when you are at the DMV.  Wait...they got guns.  Save that one for Walmart.

 290. When opportunity knocks, don't answer the door. Wait until cartoons are over.

 291. If you want to be an empty suit working in a cubicle doing monotonous work making someone else rich, knock yourself out.  It ain’t our style.

 292. If failure is the way to success, why haven't we gotten more from our F's in school??

 293. Even the dumbest animals take the easy road.  Why would you build your chops?  Like those things tie together somehow.

 294. Playing will get easier with the 'right' equipment. Good luck with finding that equipment.

 295. Never be satisfied.  You can always get better.  Satisfied people don't progress. 

 296. Music has to be fun for you or it won't be worth it. 

 297. Never say ‘never’.  Instead, say ‘who let the dogs out?!’. Is it us, or does less talent equal more money in music?  

 298. You only encourage beggars by giving them money.  They make as much money as the Tasteebros, just sit there, and have no talent.  Wait a second….

 299. The Tasteebros listen to Eminem and STP much more that any music containing trumpets. 

 300. You have wasted practice time reading this crap.  Go practice, dumb ass!! 


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